Fear and panic can be a BITCH lol. And for many people it’s the primary experience coming up these days. The world is in chaos, you don’t know what to expect, don’t know what’s going to happen to you. Everything’s uncertainty and insecurity. For pretty much everyone more or less equally. And within all that chaos, fear and panic only make it worse and make you feel like the rug’s been pulled from under your feet EVEN MORE.
It reaches into your CORE and turns your whole self upside down. It makes ‘you’ disappear into the vast energy experience that’s OVERWHELMING you. It makes you access a primitive, primal, animalistic sense of lostness, helplessness and disempowerment. One that makes you feel like you’re drowning and you don’t know how to keep your head above water or hold on to some sense of stability.
So how DO you create and develop STABILITY within that inner chaos, and within a world and reality that seems to be instability personified? That’s certainly been a ‘life question’ that’s been at the forefront for me throughout my life. I was always I suppose what you’d call an ‘extremely anxious’ person lol. I did often have ‘panic attacks’. Finding myself in situations wherein my fear and anxiety reached such extreme levels that I thought I might faint or throw up, and could not find a way to stabilize myself or bring myself out of the fear. And honestly, I’ve never found ANYTHING that ‘works’ to even in any way lessen the extent and overwhelming nature of the experience. No matter what I did or tried, as soon as that familiar feeling of ‘panic’ sets in, I’m a goner and I’m lost until the energy has run its course and has finally fizzled out.
It’s like all I knew to do when it came to fear inside myself, was throw up my hands and ‘surrender’ to it, accepting that apparently I have absolutely no power or strength to do anything. And apparently I’m just a ‘victim’. A lifeless, powerless ragdoll being tossed around by my own mind. Which would obviously deep down end up making me feel like I have no ‘worth’, like I am ‘nothing’, because ‘look, I can’t even do anything in my OWN mind!’ It seemed like the natural conclusion that I must be meaningless and devoid of real substance if a mere EXPERIENCE like fear or anxiety or panic can have such an effect on me.
I even almost remember the moment when I made this decision, or ‘conclusion’ within myself. It was a moment of watching myself ‘give in’ to an emotion. Or rather, a moment wherein I KNEW I was allowing FEAR to manipulate me. And it felt like I was a ‘sell-out’. Like I had sold out on my self. Like I had ‘fallen from grace’ in a way, and had betrayed myself. And in a way, I had. And I’ve been living in the shadow of this knowing my entire life. It’s become my inner mantra. An awareness that’s always been there and that I’ve never been able to shake. As though, I deemed it to be the only thing I could do to somehow restore or at least hold on to some sense of ‘honor’ within myself, is to never allow myself to forget and to always make sure I remind myself of how I HAVE FALLEN.
Because on some deep but very REAL level inside myself, I knew that with giving in to fear, I was compromising my integrity. And my integrity had always been STRONG. My sense of knowing, and expressing, who I am. A ‘completeness’ and ‘uninhibitedness’ that was natural and unquestioning. But suddenly, seemingly in just one moment, that was all gone. All of that ‘integrity’, shattered and broken, never to be repaired again… because I allowed myself to have a ‘weakness’. And, as things go with ‘integrity’, like with a building, all it takes is a weakness to bring the whole thing down. And FEAR, and my giving in to it, is what brought my building as the entirety of me down. Hmmm, ‘integrity’. ‘Entirety’. They both spell ‘in-tired-I’ but the ‘tired’ is reversed in ‘integrity’ with a ‘g’ in the middle. It’s almost like the ‘effortless’, as the reverse of ‘tiredness’, I experienced as me before I believed I had ‘lost’ my integrity. Where I then at some point, as symbolized within the ‘g’, experienced a complete ‘split’ and ‘separation’ from myself, as though two ‘selves’ were created – the ‘me’ that I have lost, and the ‘me’ that is aware of what I’ve ‘lost’. Where then within the ‘entirety’ of me I just feel ‘tired’ as I’m trying, trying, trying to make myself ‘whole’ again, but know deep down that it’s wasted effort as the ‘split’ and ‘separation’ from myself is complete. So my ‘fall’ was already predestined and preprogrammed, even within the very design of the words ‘integrity’ and ‘entirety’.
All this to show lol, that there is ‘more’ to the apparent ‘loss of integrity’ that happened when I ‘fell’ into fear. A lot more. And that even the entire thing, from the ‘integrity’ to the ‘fall’ to the ‘decision/conclusion’ to the apparent ‘loss of integrity’, however ‘real’ it may have felt, just ‘wasn’t’ real. That in a way it was ‘scripted’. Scripted within the very words. The script of ‘my life’ I would never even be aware of. And moreover, a script I accepted and agreed to. Wherein I as the main character would at some point believe that I’ve failed myself and would entirely give up on living in a way – give up on expressing myself in that ‘complete’ and ‘uninhibited’ way – to surrender to fear as the reminder I apparently deserve, that I have ‘fallen from grace’ and shall never truly live and express again.
What a sad story. But that’s the script I have come to accept and agree to. And only now realize that my only real ‘weakness’ was never the ‘fall into fear’, but more my unquestioning acceptance of whatever script I’ve been given to live out, and so my lack of understanding of my own mind and of reality. Where the ‘fall’ more just showed me that my ‘strong integrity’ wasn’t necessarily ‘real’. And that maybe ‘integrity’ is something I’ve never actually understood or really lived. Cause maybe integrity is not so much the house that’s already there but more the house that still needs to be built. And that, I cannot expect my house to have integrity when I have not personally deliberately built it, brick by brick, through understanding and self-support as I walk the road I have never traveled before – to re-script the life I’m living and who I am. Re-scripting it into a story wherein the main character keeps the best parts of herself, like the ‘completeness’ and ‘uninhibitedness’, and overcomes the ‘falls’ she experiences, and if anything, uses everything to learn more about herself. That’s a story worth telling, more than one where I ‘go into fear, believe that I’ve failed, never get back up and never express myself ever again, The End.’
Kim Amourette, practitioner at Space of Grace
You know you’re meant to live with a Raging Heart. So maybe you need some coaching to get there. Courageous Heart Coaching, you know you don’t need any help, but we’re here for that extra support.